inside, i hope you know i'm dying.

one.
i do not know how to write poetry,
yet i spit out angry words.
they come from inside of me.
from inside my soul.


two.
he asks me to breathe for him, just for a while, he promises as he picks at a sunflower from our neighbors garden. 'you love me, you love me not' he knows it is cliche, but we still stare at the flower and wonder,
what
will
it
land
on.
(i do love you. the flower must have been missing a petal.)

three.
she calls me at three fifty-one in the morning, sleep lacing her voice as she whispers,
"i want to talk to you." even though we both know she should be asleep.
i am keeping her safe from insanity,
while she keeps me away from sucide .

four.
i
wish
i
knew
how
or
what
love
is.
i wish late night phone calls and going to the theatre was enough. i was i could stay with him in the garden, but he is too busy smoking a different kind of weed. and i wish i could be with her in her bed, keeping her away from the world.
who. do. i. choose?
[ i've already chosen her]

five.
i spot an airplane in the distance and even though i have never been on one, i wish i could be. even though i have never held her hand, i wish i have. but then i do not because i want those things to be in the future. not yet.
n.o.t.
yet.


six.
i should have stopped on the number five because my ocd will act up. but i do not care.
i listen to the dead air on the phone, waiting for her to fall asleep, and i know, i know.
i could be with her for the rest of my life and that is not so scary anymore.



<3 end

and i hate the phone but i wish you'd call.

so i'm not the person you want to call you.
but.
i will call anyway.


ps; you are not mary elizabeth. you are not sam. you are not charlie.
you are (secretly) mine.

but now that i'm older, my heart is colder.

things i want to say to people but can't.



god fucking dammit. you won't talk to me but you still make blogs. it's pathetic. what is even more pathetic? i always look for them.

i like your ass. not the way you dance. not your eyes. your ass. plain and simple.

i want you to prove me wrong. i want you to be able to fucking ruin me, but i want you to fix me instead. please. just show me you aren't who i think you are.

I FUCKING HATE THE BOY YOU DO STUFF WITH. you already know that. but do you know why? i'm jealous. fucking jealous that he can make you feel loved, feel NEEDED because he lets you suck him off. i fucking need you and i don't even require sex. i just require...you.

i want you. i love you. but god dammit, i love sex with boys. we're going to have to have a threesome if this is gonna work. for real.

when i asked you to go bowling with me today, i just wanted you to say you'd rather come over and watch movies with me instead.

stop smoking. stop telling me that you're smoking. it's not cool. it hurts. it hurts because i love you.

\thank you for texting me right now. it made me smile. x) thank you so much. that was perfect timing.


<333333333333333

a lifetime of crushes and your broken dreams.

scream and shout and tell everybody that you're gonna leave.


i'm so tired right now. i've been writing joeys report and shit. but i love him so i suppose it's alright.
i dunno what he will do when i move.
replace me maybe?


my fingers are stained red from berries.
i feel like there is blood on my hands.
i've always been dramatic.

earlier today i tried to explain how blood looked gorgeous on my skin.
the person i was talking to cried.
i hate hearing people cry.
it makes me have panic attacks.

i saw a girl with a yellow rain coat on.
i wanted to say hello to her.
and maybe a few years ago, i would have.
i'm too afraid now.

addy keeps coming over and we watch disney movies and feel nosalgic.
are we even old enough to feel nostalgic?
sometimes i feel very old when i miss things.
i'm only eighteen.
and i feel like my life is over already.

everyone keeps bugging me to make a blog.
maybe this gives them a small window to peak through, and see my brain.
my thoughts.
or maybe i just amuse them with my intense rambling about nothing.

i haven't talked to this person in almost a week.
four more days.
i wanted to see if i could and, i can.
that scares me. i thought i needed them.

i cannot sleep.
i want to write but i can only seem to write when i'm talking to onyx now.
isn't that weird?

sometimes when i breathe, it takes too much effort.

my brother called me an hour ago to tell me to go to bed.
he has it so easy.
he has the perfect little life now.
he's fucking happy and he's gorgeous and just.
i love him but fuck, i'm so jealous.
i.am.so.jealous.


i can't see anything anymore. everything is blurry.
i need to get my glasses soon.

today i cleaned the living room and i couldn't stop. is that normal?
i wanted to stop but i just couldn't.

no one is online.
no one is texting me.
everyone is at school or work.
i am alone. in my house with my psycho cat. she purrs at me and then bites me.
ah.


i love this song.
nevershoutnever!



idk. someone just ask to call me x) please?

i want to make you feel beautiful.

"It would be so easy to let you take me with you.
that waking dreamland we escape to every now and then.
to be the person you think i am.
that person worthy of your love.

but i'm not.
i don't deserve you.
your breath,
my confession.

i have hurt people.
different people, the same hurt.
i have done things because i wanted to.
for no other reason than wanting to.

i have done unforgiveable things.
i have been that darkness."

x)
i love this book.
it's midnight.
i'm goinggg to go take a walk i think.

everyone is getting tired of me, i can tell.
elly and laur are the only ones who aren't ignoring me.
or telling me to go kill myself.


ugh.
i'm so tired.
idk.
hopefully if i take a walk, my head will feel more clear.

"i don't pretend to know how to smoke,
i just do it.
i don't pretend to know what love is,
it just is."

ps; i love you. marry me.

and i live in the numbness now.

i haven't written one of these in a while.
i'm so bored and tired.
i talked to ellybear last night c:
my.elly.has.the.cutest.voice.ever.
seriously.

i've been listening to music and laying in bed all day.
i've been getting up early and going to bed early.
like last night i went to bed at like ):
midnight.
midnight?!?
i know. :c that is strange for me.

i haven't really been talking to anyone lately. i guess? :/
idkidkidk.
it feels like everyone is ignoring me.
but maybe i'm ignoring themmmm?
my brain feels foggy.
and i kinda just want to go back to sleep.

laur says i should go to a club this weekend. or go "hang out with my friends"
i shouldn't be anti social anymore.
but.
i've grown used to it.
i'm afraid to actually hang out with people now.
ugh.

idk.
i never make blogs anymore. :/

iloveyou.