come find me. it hasn't felt like this before.

his eyes are so bright that they hurt my soul.
literally make my soul hurt.
i get a deep ache in my chest and my heart constricts.
and when he takes those blurry pictures with his fucked up phone camera,
and he smiles with that childish grin,
i cannot help but stare.
the last one was him in a hulk shirt. bright green.
his blue eyes stood out like a single star in the dark sky.
he cut his bangs again.
they go straight across.
on anyone else, it would look so stupid.
but it fits him.
he hasn't been eating. or getting out of bed.
just like me.
he sent me a picture, with a simple message.
"i've been getting so skinny lately. i hope you like it."
he is starting to re-tear the stitches holding my heart together.
and she worked so fucking hard on those stitches. she hates him.
i love him. i always will.
i gave him a piece of my heart.
i don't really reply to his messages anymore.
it only hurts us both.
but he sends one every day,
to let me know he is alive,
to let me know he got out of bed just for a few seconds.
sometimes he mispells simple words because his brain is so foggy.
these days, all he ever is, is high.
or crying.
or both.
i thought i could be done with him.
simple.
just cut off the strings attaching us.
but we're stilling holding onto each other,
barely,
but we're there.
he's there.

i wake up, and tear drops,
they fall down like rain.
i put on that old song we'd dance to,
and then,
i head off to my job.
guess not much has changed.
punch the clock,
head for home,
check the phone,
(just in case)
go to bed.
dream of you.
that's what i'm doing these days.


jesus christ x)
idon'tknow.
i just don't know.
i need to stop listening to country ughh. it makes me even more sad.

last night, you gave me a kiss. you didn't know it.
but i was awake when you did.
you were quiet. you were gonna let me sleep.
so i just laid there, pretending to be. you said some things you didn't know i could hear.
and the words 'i love you' never sounded so sincere.
it's gonna make it hard to tell you that i'm leaving.
now that i know just how much you care.
you finally gave me one good reason not to go.
but staying here.
is my worst fear.