i have red polkadot pj bottoms on.

my phone alarm is going off.
my phone is all the way across the room.
i'm too lazy to get it.
this is my life.

meh.
laureen thinks i'm on something. i mean. other than painkillers.
and meds that keep me from having panic attacks and flipping out,
i'm not on anything.
cept maybe a bit of weed.
it calms me down.
i love the way it smells after it's been smoked. just. it's so comforting to me.
like when you were little, and your mom had that special brand of laundry soap?
it's like that.
only my comfort is a mixture of weed and cigarettes.
and cigars.
cigars remind me of my dad. i don't know if that's good or bad.

my brother is taking me to the snow tomorrow.
maybe.
if i wake up early enough.
he is worried about me. he calls me every day now.
"hey little one~ how're you feeling?"
it's a secret code for 'are you alive? are you okay? did you take anything? did you slice up your skin? are you breathing alright? how can i help?'
but i always reply with i'm fine. and i guess i am. i guess everything is okay right now.
especially because of laur. she is fixing me. slowly. but surely.
i don't think i will break ever again.
i think she is fixing me for good.


i need to get a new jacket for the snow.
and shoes.
i feel like spiders are crawling under my skin.
it's scary.
i scare myself too much.

new york boy wants to kill himself.
danny wants to kill himself too.
because of me.
i guess i make people want to kill themselves.
i'm that horrible.
rave boy called me again. he made that silly laugh again.
he asked me if i wanted to go to a rave again.
i don't think he'll stop asking until i say yes.


anyway. laur's waiting for me to reply to her so i'll make another blog later.
peace~