how you gonna catch me when i'm this high?

i'm heading north.
it's time to see what this heart is really worth.
i guess it's time to be on my own.


i haven't blogged in a while. i've kind of just been not writing at all.
i get like this sometimes. i dunno. i'll get over it. i always do.
joey is making me write his report. because he is exhausted. and he gave me all these kisses.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like if he was my boyfriend.
not that i'd ever date him xD i'm too much of a mess and he's too much like my brother.
but i just wonder, you know? he treats jason like jase owns the stars and the planets and. just.
he makes jase feel special.
just like my brother makes kenny feel special.
i need straight friends.
straight single friends.

am i the only one who SCREAMED when danny made it on idol?
really?
i love that man. he sings fndskj. god. i just love him.
too bad he's straight ): and his wife just died.
he's so dorkyy ish but i'd marry him xD

anyway. my friend danny (not the one on idol obv) texted me today.
he said i was his world and if i left his world would crumble.
i hate when people say things like that.
he said he loved me and i was all he had.
and then we got into a fight. over nothing, really. it was so stupid.
and he was saying he wanted to kill himself. the exact words he used were,
"I won't have anything to live for. I won't move. I won't get out of bed. I won't eat. I won't sleep. I won't breathe. I won't live without you." which i don't get because i was right there. i wasn't leaving him. i dunno.
he only loves me when he's high.
and i only love him as a friend.

i think i ruin people.
onyx said i don't but.
i honestly think i do x) i think i mess people up. everyone i love, everything i touch.
somehow it breaks.
all because of me.

i miss laureen. so bad.
we're drifting again. i guess we do sometimes.
i'm trying to give her space to breathe. i feel so clingy with her. so needy.


toby called me.
god, i love his voice. i missed it so badly. i missed him so badly.
even if he did try to kiss me on new year, i don't care.
i love him so much. he is one of my best friends. and even if he is like fucking bipolar.
xD i don't even care.
i just loved the way his voice sent this calm feeling over me. it made me feel so nice.
it made me feel safe.
made me think everything would be okay.
really, i didn't know how much i needed him until we stopped talking.

i was supposed to go bowling with my friends today.
sky and amanda and joey and tommy and jason and the other jason and x)
everyone.
it scares me how much i don't know them anymore.
i don't know any of my friends anymore.
they never talk to me.
but i guess i screen my calls and would never answer if they did.
but still, it would be nice to see "one missed call from..." once in a while.
it really would.

i wrote all over my thighs today.
i covered each scar in sharpie.
different colors.
it looked like a rainbow.
so i stood in front of the mirror and just looked at myself.
and smiled.
i'm starting to love myself just a bit more every day.
(and yes, it is because of you, princess)

skott thinks i don't care about him. i'm a horrible friend.
i ruined his good mood.
but like i said, i ruin everything.
he should know that by now, shouldn't he?


x)
jesus i'm writing so much. blah.

i have to get a retainer.
because i keep sucking on my thumb.
it's not my fault that it comforts me. stupid dentist.
my hip piercings are looking good. but my ribs are still hurting.
but they'll heal. they've been worse.

i need to send laurie her letter.
i know she really wants it. but i just want to make sure it's perfect. i want her to love it.
she thinks she loves me more than i love her. but i totally went ):
"you compare one small tree to the whole forest" and she giggled.
it was adorable.
we're so sickenly sweet. but i love it. i really do.

i've been listening to really old country love songs.
and snuggling with my blankey.
i need to write this paper for joeybear soon.
and then i need sleep.

i don't know why i wrote any of that xD no one is gonna read it.