get high, stop feeling low.

it's fucking 420 and i'm not allowed to smoke. are you kidding me?

i saw fireworks from the freeway. and behind these closed eyes, i cannot make them go away.
cause you were born on the fourth of july.


my friends are all getting together and getting completely high.
but of course i get to be antisocial and stay home by myself.
meh.
i start the gym next week. i'm texting danny and he's so excited about today.
apparently this is the first time he's getting high. and he's going to at exactly 4:20.
ughhhhhhhhhhh.
i want to do it so bad but i promised someone i wouldn't.

i have to clean today and then imma get chinese food. starving.
i haven't been writing anything in weeks. i just can't. figure out what i wanna write.
i won't worry my life away! lala

fuck fuck fuck.
text me?
i used all my minutes this month so i'm dying.
i'm antisocial but jesus. i need to talk to someone.

njfsdkngk i dunno!
imma go clean and be weird now i suppose.
someone should really talk to me.
x)


hbfsdbgdj.
miss you.

read this read this. it will change your life, i swear.

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes
and through timeless words and priceless pictures
we'll fly like birds not of this earth
and tides they turn and hearts disfigure
but thats no concern when we're wounded together
and we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
but its nice today,
oh the wait was so worth it.

i'm supposed to be getting ready to go to the doctor today. eh.
i guess when you pass out and hit your head, run a 103 fever, and your body shakes all over,
you're kind of required to go see a doctor.
i get sick too damn much.

my life has been boring. as always.
i spent two weeks at my cousins house. we kinda had fun.
basically i wake up,
call laureen,
fall back asleep,
take a shower,
kinda eat,
call laureen,
watch tv,
play with con,
call laureen,
fall asleep.

my phone bill is insane. but i suppose that's just a small price to pay to hear her voice.

no one reads these blogs anymore.
so why do i bother?

inside, i hope you know i'm dying.

one.
i do not know how to write poetry,
yet i spit out angry words.
they come from inside of me.
from inside my soul.


two.
he asks me to breathe for him, just for a while, he promises as he picks at a sunflower from our neighbors garden. 'you love me, you love me not' he knows it is cliche, but we still stare at the flower and wonder,
what
will
it
land
on.
(i do love you. the flower must have been missing a petal.)

three.
she calls me at three fifty-one in the morning, sleep lacing her voice as she whispers,
"i want to talk to you." even though we both know she should be asleep.
i am keeping her safe from insanity,
while she keeps me away from sucide .

four.
i
wish
i
knew
how
or
what
love
is.
i wish late night phone calls and going to the theatre was enough. i was i could stay with him in the garden, but he is too busy smoking a different kind of weed. and i wish i could be with her in her bed, keeping her away from the world.
who. do. i. choose?
[ i've already chosen her]

five.
i spot an airplane in the distance and even though i have never been on one, i wish i could be. even though i have never held her hand, i wish i have. but then i do not because i want those things to be in the future. not yet.
n.o.t.
yet.


six.
i should have stopped on the number five because my ocd will act up. but i do not care.
i listen to the dead air on the phone, waiting for her to fall asleep, and i know, i know.
i could be with her for the rest of my life and that is not so scary anymore.



<3 end

and i hate the phone but i wish you'd call.

so i'm not the person you want to call you.
but.
i will call anyway.


ps; you are not mary elizabeth. you are not sam. you are not charlie.
you are (secretly) mine.

but now that i'm older, my heart is colder.

things i want to say to people but can't.



god fucking dammit. you won't talk to me but you still make blogs. it's pathetic. what is even more pathetic? i always look for them.

i like your ass. not the way you dance. not your eyes. your ass. plain and simple.

i want you to prove me wrong. i want you to be able to fucking ruin me, but i want you to fix me instead. please. just show me you aren't who i think you are.

I FUCKING HATE THE BOY YOU DO STUFF WITH. you already know that. but do you know why? i'm jealous. fucking jealous that he can make you feel loved, feel NEEDED because he lets you suck him off. i fucking need you and i don't even require sex. i just require...you.

i want you. i love you. but god dammit, i love sex with boys. we're going to have to have a threesome if this is gonna work. for real.

when i asked you to go bowling with me today, i just wanted you to say you'd rather come over and watch movies with me instead.

stop smoking. stop telling me that you're smoking. it's not cool. it hurts. it hurts because i love you.

\thank you for texting me right now. it made me smile. x) thank you so much. that was perfect timing.


<333333333333333

a lifetime of crushes and your broken dreams.

scream and shout and tell everybody that you're gonna leave.


i'm so tired right now. i've been writing joeys report and shit. but i love him so i suppose it's alright.
i dunno what he will do when i move.
replace me maybe?


my fingers are stained red from berries.
i feel like there is blood on my hands.
i've always been dramatic.

earlier today i tried to explain how blood looked gorgeous on my skin.
the person i was talking to cried.
i hate hearing people cry.
it makes me have panic attacks.

i saw a girl with a yellow rain coat on.
i wanted to say hello to her.
and maybe a few years ago, i would have.
i'm too afraid now.

addy keeps coming over and we watch disney movies and feel nosalgic.
are we even old enough to feel nostalgic?
sometimes i feel very old when i miss things.
i'm only eighteen.
and i feel like my life is over already.

everyone keeps bugging me to make a blog.
maybe this gives them a small window to peak through, and see my brain.
my thoughts.
or maybe i just amuse them with my intense rambling about nothing.

i haven't talked to this person in almost a week.
four more days.
i wanted to see if i could and, i can.
that scares me. i thought i needed them.

i cannot sleep.
i want to write but i can only seem to write when i'm talking to onyx now.
isn't that weird?

sometimes when i breathe, it takes too much effort.

my brother called me an hour ago to tell me to go to bed.
he has it so easy.
he has the perfect little life now.
he's fucking happy and he's gorgeous and just.
i love him but fuck, i'm so jealous.
i.am.so.jealous.


i can't see anything anymore. everything is blurry.
i need to get my glasses soon.

today i cleaned the living room and i couldn't stop. is that normal?
i wanted to stop but i just couldn't.

no one is online.
no one is texting me.
everyone is at school or work.
i am alone. in my house with my psycho cat. she purrs at me and then bites me.
ah.


i love this song.
nevershoutnever!



idk. someone just ask to call me x) please?

i want to make you feel beautiful.

"It would be so easy to let you take me with you.
that waking dreamland we escape to every now and then.
to be the person you think i am.
that person worthy of your love.

but i'm not.
i don't deserve you.
your breath,
my confession.

i have hurt people.
different people, the same hurt.
i have done things because i wanted to.
for no other reason than wanting to.

i have done unforgiveable things.
i have been that darkness."

x)
i love this book.
it's midnight.
i'm goinggg to go take a walk i think.

everyone is getting tired of me, i can tell.
elly and laur are the only ones who aren't ignoring me.
or telling me to go kill myself.


ugh.
i'm so tired.
idk.
hopefully if i take a walk, my head will feel more clear.

"i don't pretend to know how to smoke,
i just do it.
i don't pretend to know what love is,
it just is."

ps; i love you. marry me.

and i live in the numbness now.

i haven't written one of these in a while.
i'm so bored and tired.
i talked to ellybear last night c:
my.elly.has.the.cutest.voice.ever.
seriously.

i've been listening to music and laying in bed all day.
i've been getting up early and going to bed early.
like last night i went to bed at like ):
midnight.
midnight?!?
i know. :c that is strange for me.

i haven't really been talking to anyone lately. i guess? :/
idkidkidk.
it feels like everyone is ignoring me.
but maybe i'm ignoring themmmm?
my brain feels foggy.
and i kinda just want to go back to sleep.

laur says i should go to a club this weekend. or go "hang out with my friends"
i shouldn't be anti social anymore.
but.
i've grown used to it.
i'm afraid to actually hang out with people now.
ugh.

idk.
i never make blogs anymore. :/

iloveyou.

it's like an orgasm in your mouth?

uhh.
actually that's exactly what it is ):
;awkward silence;



ANYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYWAY.
this blog is for onyx c: i love her. and apparently she likes reading my blogs.

today was boring. ugh. the end.
wait no!
joey bear wrote his name all over me c: but then i was like "LOLOL YOUR NAME IS JOSEPH"
and he wrote "hi, i'm ryan and i like to suck things" ): yeah
but we all knew that ;D

i've been pretty much laying in bed, with my carebear blanket all day.
i'm not eating for two days. i've decided. which is more like three because i threw up everything i ate today.
yaaaaaaaay no food.
my stomach is growling hardcore. like. ugh. it's so loud.
so tommy keeps coming in and bitching at me and telling me to eat.

i have a "daddy and me" class with con? :c tomorrow.
it's like gymnastics for toddlers. and stuff. how fun, right?
i told him he's never allowed to go horse back riding so apparently he wants to go around doing cartwheels.
oh, the joys of parenting~
he wanted ballet at first :c but i was afraid all the little girls would attack him. he's adorable c:

i've been talking to danny boi all night.
he keeps asking me questions like.
"what is your pants size?"
"would you ever consider owning a cheetah?"
"do you like to eat cranberries?"
"how big is your...."
:c
edited!
lalalalala.
oh, danny. you make me laugh.
and slightly gag at the same time ):

anyway so this whole thing if for onyx.
she makes me smileeee. idk ):
she makes me feel like. worth something? i guess.
and now i'm getting all mushyyy and lovey so.
yeah.
;insert sexual joke;
iloveyouonyx.
and i wanna see all the pictures you took c:



fnjnfdngkdngkd.
you fell asleep on me, princess. but.
iloveyousososososomuch.
i hope this makes you smile.

come find me. it hasn't felt like this before.

his eyes are so bright that they hurt my soul.
literally make my soul hurt.
i get a deep ache in my chest and my heart constricts.
and when he takes those blurry pictures with his fucked up phone camera,
and he smiles with that childish grin,
i cannot help but stare.
the last one was him in a hulk shirt. bright green.
his blue eyes stood out like a single star in the dark sky.
he cut his bangs again.
they go straight across.
on anyone else, it would look so stupid.
but it fits him.
he hasn't been eating. or getting out of bed.
just like me.
he sent me a picture, with a simple message.
"i've been getting so skinny lately. i hope you like it."
he is starting to re-tear the stitches holding my heart together.
and she worked so fucking hard on those stitches. she hates him.
i love him. i always will.
i gave him a piece of my heart.
i don't really reply to his messages anymore.
it only hurts us both.
but he sends one every day,
to let me know he is alive,
to let me know he got out of bed just for a few seconds.
sometimes he mispells simple words because his brain is so foggy.
these days, all he ever is, is high.
or crying.
or both.
i thought i could be done with him.
simple.
just cut off the strings attaching us.
but we're stilling holding onto each other,
barely,
but we're there.
he's there.

i wake up, and tear drops,
they fall down like rain.
i put on that old song we'd dance to,
and then,
i head off to my job.
guess not much has changed.
punch the clock,
head for home,
check the phone,
(just in case)
go to bed.
dream of you.
that's what i'm doing these days.


jesus christ x)
idon'tknow.
i just don't know.
i need to stop listening to country ughh. it makes me even more sad.

last night, you gave me a kiss. you didn't know it.
but i was awake when you did.
you were quiet. you were gonna let me sleep.
so i just laid there, pretending to be. you said some things you didn't know i could hear.
and the words 'i love you' never sounded so sincere.
it's gonna make it hard to tell you that i'm leaving.
now that i know just how much you care.
you finally gave me one good reason not to go.
but staying here.
is my worst fear.

and i miss you more than i should x)

<3 love that song. mygoddd.
it made me want to write something. but i dunno. my writing sucks xD
it's late.
i'm laying on my bed listening to this song and reading peoples blogs.
i'm texting new york boy.
but he fell asleep.
he doesn't like talking to me anymore. but then again, no one really does.
i'm freezingggggggggggg.
my puppy, avery, is laying on my lap asleep. i love snuggling him.
my brother wants to go to the snow again.
i want that sketch from onyx. badly.
i feel like my brain is about to explode.
there is so much pressure.
and i'm thinking about so many things.
laur said she wanted to know what was wrong with me but.
i don't even know.
i'm just slowly starting to lose it again.
i'm slipping again.
and it's scary.

idk. imma go watch tv and try to sleep on the couch. night.


ps; fuckinghell. i miss him more than anything.

when i came to visit you, that is when i knew.

that i could never have you. i knew that before you did. but still, i'm the one who is stupid.

YES. THOSE ARE MY SHOES.

YES. I HAVE SMALL FEET.

SUCK MY DICK.

i went to the snow today. with con and jared and my cousin and kenny.

it was really fun. connor was acting like a squirrel on cocaine though. and my little cousin was being so annoying. plus jared kept hitting me with those damn snowballs ): ugh.

but i haven't had that much fun in a while.

the ride back? a different story.

see, my ears are like nfjsk. so the pressure change was VERY bad. my head was about to explode. and everyone was arguing. it was dark. and raining. and we were driving down a mountain. AND jared was speeding. i was sure we were going to die.

somehow i fell asleep while i was texting laur (oops~) and then we were off the mountain.

thank god.

we're probably going to go again next weekend. i am going to have a panic attack but at least i'll get to see snow again. it was beautiful.

two hours of driving for some snow. but i didn't mind.

connor got sooo tired though c: he is asleep on my lap. he begged me to go to the snow again. literally begged xD he loved it. and i loved seeing him have that much fun. i guess maybe i'm starting to get the hang of this parent thing ;)

i need to sleep soon. i have to do a lot of stuff tomorrow. meh.

like.

GO GET MY RETAINER GOD DAMN.

and. wash my new shoes because they got all dirty and gross!

fun fun.

i love you guyzzz.

bye.

fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck.

OKAY SO APPARENTLY ME TALKING ABOUT MY FRIENDS IS MAKING SOME PEOPLE MAD.

today the sky was all cloudy.
i didn't like it.
my stomach felt weird when i took a shower.
i felt like someone was going to break into my house and kill me.
cause i saw a tv show about that.
i keep watching this fucking wedding shows.
and crime shows.
which makes me more paranoid.,
and sad.


i made greek salad yesterday.
it was amazing.
the same thing pretty much happens every day.
i wake up.
i eat.
i watch tv.
i sleep.
i sleep more.
i watch more tv,.
and then i sleep.
i feel dead inside. is that what you wanted to hear?
is that more interesting?
i feel dead.

i feel alone. way fucking alone.
i'm scared to go to usc.
so scared.
and i'm scared to move in with toby. he is a freak.
but i'm scared of him leaving me like everyone else seems to.
i just need someone who won't leave.
god damn.


this guy on tv is having a disco wedding.
it's silly.
it's asian/disco.
the other one was like green and pink.
i'm supposed to get my retainer soon.
ughh.
it's going to make me talk weird.


i need to go shopping tomorrow
for shoes and a jacket.
because it's winter and i have no jacket.
my cat decided to rip up my jackets.

some guy came to the door today and tommys dog went insane.
and then tommy shut the door on the guys face.
we're so antisocial.

i got new boy shorts.
i look like a slut.
but a cute one?
idk idk idk.
i feel odd.
i am odd.


i want it to rain.
i want to scream.
i want you.
i want him.
i want nachos.
really bad.
ugh i'm going to go get some.
seeya.

my dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

i miss my friends.
i miss moe. i miss skottie. i miss ash. i miss.
everyone.
what is happening?!

i'm sitting on my couch, eating eggs and rice mixed together. again.
last night i ate six eggs. SIX EGGS. i felt so gross.
i wanted to throw up.
i'm watching wedding shows. these people look so happy.
it makes me want to eat more.
ugh.
laureen is texting me and being a cutie.
"I want to start over. Mm, I wish we could be outside right now. We could lay in a big grassy field and look at the stars and smile and laugh. It'd be perfect. And so happy. I really want to see you happy."
I could spend every day with her until forever.
and it still wouldn't be enough time.
I just.
love her.
she is making me feel so perfect and not broken. she let me see her brown eyes today.
they're perfect. she's perfect. amazing.


skottie.
i miss you god dammit.
talk to meeeee.
i'm probably going to the snow tomorrow? idk jared is having an asthma attack so eh.
but i want to talk to you soon. SOON.
i'm sorry for ruining your mood.
&& tommy sounds adorable. in that subtle way. you know?
the kind of adorable and perfect that most people don't see. c:
don't be sad, please?
iloveyou.

moe.
JESUS.
you are fucking beautiful!!!!!
oh my goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd. ;jealous;
srsly.
so pretty ugh.
text me more? please?
i miss you.
and love you so so so so so much.

onyx still hasn't given me my sketch. but idk.
i think something is going on with her. she seems odd. or maybe she just dislikes me now?
idk.

rave boy is being so nice to me. i think we're going to be very good friends.
plus he likes connor xD and he plays with him a lot when he comes over.
which is good because i like it when my friends do that.


ANYWAY.
imma eat more and be fat.
i miss charlie. ugh. :/
i miss too many people.

my hands are cold.
my face is hot.
my heart is pounding.
this is what you do to me.

i have red polkadot pj bottoms on.

my phone alarm is going off.
my phone is all the way across the room.
i'm too lazy to get it.
this is my life.

meh.
laureen thinks i'm on something. i mean. other than painkillers.
and meds that keep me from having panic attacks and flipping out,
i'm not on anything.
cept maybe a bit of weed.
it calms me down.
i love the way it smells after it's been smoked. just. it's so comforting to me.
like when you were little, and your mom had that special brand of laundry soap?
it's like that.
only my comfort is a mixture of weed and cigarettes.
and cigars.
cigars remind me of my dad. i don't know if that's good or bad.

my brother is taking me to the snow tomorrow.
maybe.
if i wake up early enough.
he is worried about me. he calls me every day now.
"hey little one~ how're you feeling?"
it's a secret code for 'are you alive? are you okay? did you take anything? did you slice up your skin? are you breathing alright? how can i help?'
but i always reply with i'm fine. and i guess i am. i guess everything is okay right now.
especially because of laur. she is fixing me. slowly. but surely.
i don't think i will break ever again.
i think she is fixing me for good.


i need to get a new jacket for the snow.
and shoes.
i feel like spiders are crawling under my skin.
it's scary.
i scare myself too much.

new york boy wants to kill himself.
danny wants to kill himself too.
because of me.
i guess i make people want to kill themselves.
i'm that horrible.
rave boy called me again. he made that silly laugh again.
he asked me if i wanted to go to a rave again.
i don't think he'll stop asking until i say yes.


anyway. laur's waiting for me to reply to her so i'll make another blog later.
peace~

the pretty lights accentuate his eyes.

rave boy called me today.
he read my blog xD gah. he is so nice.
i had been waiting, honestly. for him to call. he was just basically like.
"rave boy? you don't even say my name?"
"it makes you sound mysterious."
"did you really want to hold my hand?"
"yes. i'm sorry i acted so weird."
"it's alright. we can be friends."
"are you breaking up with me?!"
and then he has this adorable laugh ): it's like. silly. and he goes.
"yeahh sorry. i'm dating my pillow."
"oh. sounds like a hot affair."
"mhmm. wanna come to a rave with me?"
"me? at a rave?"
"yeah. you'd have so much fun."
"we'll see."


RAVES SCARE ME.
):
i'm afraid.


OH OH OH.
jared and kenny want to take me to the snow this weekend.
gah.
i love them so much.

and then i might go to Arizona in a month. to visit josh.
he's moving there.
he's going to die.
i love him. i'd marry him if it was legal to marry your first cousin.

anyway. laur's making me text her. and my phone is being fnjskdk.
so.
i'll post a blog laterr~ or something.
idkidkidkidk.
bye.

how you gonna catch me when i'm this high?

i'm heading north.
it's time to see what this heart is really worth.
i guess it's time to be on my own.


i haven't blogged in a while. i've kind of just been not writing at all.
i get like this sometimes. i dunno. i'll get over it. i always do.
joey is making me write his report. because he is exhausted. and he gave me all these kisses.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like if he was my boyfriend.
not that i'd ever date him xD i'm too much of a mess and he's too much like my brother.
but i just wonder, you know? he treats jason like jase owns the stars and the planets and. just.
he makes jase feel special.
just like my brother makes kenny feel special.
i need straight friends.
straight single friends.

am i the only one who SCREAMED when danny made it on idol?
really?
i love that man. he sings fndskj. god. i just love him.
too bad he's straight ): and his wife just died.
he's so dorkyy ish but i'd marry him xD

anyway. my friend danny (not the one on idol obv) texted me today.
he said i was his world and if i left his world would crumble.
i hate when people say things like that.
he said he loved me and i was all he had.
and then we got into a fight. over nothing, really. it was so stupid.
and he was saying he wanted to kill himself. the exact words he used were,
"I won't have anything to live for. I won't move. I won't get out of bed. I won't eat. I won't sleep. I won't breathe. I won't live without you." which i don't get because i was right there. i wasn't leaving him. i dunno.
he only loves me when he's high.
and i only love him as a friend.

i think i ruin people.
onyx said i don't but.
i honestly think i do x) i think i mess people up. everyone i love, everything i touch.
somehow it breaks.
all because of me.

i miss laureen. so bad.
we're drifting again. i guess we do sometimes.
i'm trying to give her space to breathe. i feel so clingy with her. so needy.


toby called me.
god, i love his voice. i missed it so badly. i missed him so badly.
even if he did try to kiss me on new year, i don't care.
i love him so much. he is one of my best friends. and even if he is like fucking bipolar.
xD i don't even care.
i just loved the way his voice sent this calm feeling over me. it made me feel so nice.
it made me feel safe.
made me think everything would be okay.
really, i didn't know how much i needed him until we stopped talking.

i was supposed to go bowling with my friends today.
sky and amanda and joey and tommy and jason and the other jason and x)
everyone.
it scares me how much i don't know them anymore.
i don't know any of my friends anymore.
they never talk to me.
but i guess i screen my calls and would never answer if they did.
but still, it would be nice to see "one missed call from..." once in a while.
it really would.

i wrote all over my thighs today.
i covered each scar in sharpie.
different colors.
it looked like a rainbow.
so i stood in front of the mirror and just looked at myself.
and smiled.
i'm starting to love myself just a bit more every day.
(and yes, it is because of you, princess)

skott thinks i don't care about him. i'm a horrible friend.
i ruined his good mood.
but like i said, i ruin everything.
he should know that by now, shouldn't he?


x)
jesus i'm writing so much. blah.

i have to get a retainer.
because i keep sucking on my thumb.
it's not my fault that it comforts me. stupid dentist.
my hip piercings are looking good. but my ribs are still hurting.
but they'll heal. they've been worse.

i need to send laurie her letter.
i know she really wants it. but i just want to make sure it's perfect. i want her to love it.
she thinks she loves me more than i love her. but i totally went ):
"you compare one small tree to the whole forest" and she giggled.
it was adorable.
we're so sickenly sweet. but i love it. i really do.

i've been listening to really old country love songs.
and snuggling with my blankey.
i need to write this paper for joeybear soon.
and then i need sleep.

i don't know why i wrote any of that xD no one is gonna read it.

you think you're one in millions; but you're one in a million to me!

did you know this was for you as soon as you read the title? c: if you didn't then, you know now. and you're probably smiling. and looking so silly, staring at a computer screen with a huge smile on your pretty face.
i'm sorry about the contact thing. i just like your eyes better! it feels like the contacts are adding a shield around your eyes, to hide your beautiful soul or something. and i'd like to see your soul once in a while. it's what attracts me to you the most.
aaaaaanyway.
i love you. i know i haven't been talking to you a lot every day, like we used to. i've just had stuff going on. but everything is good now. we're fine now. right?
sometimes you don't tell me everything.
and it scares me.
you tell your blog more than you tell me! and i'm supposed to be your soul mate.
really, princess xD is your blog gonna stroke your back or kiss your cheek when you feel like you wanna cry? i think not.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
don't question that.
we're stuck together. forever.
now you have like three blogs of mine all about you.
happy now?
c:


that's alrighttt.
that's okay!
when you don't feel important,
honey, all i've got to say is
to the world, you may be just another girl.
but to me.
baby,
you areeee the world~

and if i weren't so young, stupid, or restless~~~

today i realized something.
i am not a bad person.
jesus.
that has taken me forever to realize. thank you, Ashley. really.
i kinda wanna call you a bitch. but then i kinda wanna call you baby bear, too. it's weird.
i have mixed emotions. and that's okay.
laureen, you're perfect. i hate your family. but. i still wanna marry you.
new york boy, i'm over you. no more. no more.
onyx, i love you. you're perfect too. imperfectly perfect. just like you like.
please sketch me my tattoo sometime soon?
skottie. eat for me. please. i'll even make you special soup. i can make good homemade chicken soup.
moe. i know you're scared. but. i'm scared about college. lets be scared together.
lucas. it's going to be okay. everything is. trust that.



alright.
so here it is.
i'm a mess. a god damn mess. a fucking mess. a really really bad mess.
but i try. i do. i am not a bad person. i'm just. odd. i care about people in my own way.
but i will show it more. i promise.
i will show you all that i care more.
i'm never going to let myself feel as horrible as i just felt a little bit ago.
never again.
never.

i love you. really. honest to god i do. and i hope this makes you smile. and i hope this makes your pretty eyes light up. and i know you know this is for you. i'm going to be better now. i'm gonna love you like you deserve.

oh.
and fuck you, by the way. i'm better off without you.

KAY I NEED WATER AND SLEEP AND AND YEAH. CAUSE IMMA KITTY AND KITTIES SLEEP 18 HOURS A DAY.
BYEE.

hm.

fuck you.
fuck you.
fuck you.
fuck you.
fuck you.
fuck.you.for.making.me.feel.this.way.
fuck you for making me believe i am worthless.
you like this.
this is a game to you.
but this isn't a god damn game to me.
i would kill myself because of you.
i would die because of the words you said.
does that make you feel good?
i'm sure it does.
you say i'm a horrible person,
when in reality you're the horrible one.

the movie theatre always makes me feel odd.

so i went and saw coraline today. it's about this girl who finds a portal in her house thats leads her to a life she wished she had. perfect parents who love her and pay attention to her and such. until she realizes it's just a trap. and her new 'mother' wants to sew out her eyes. or something :/ it scared me. idk.
but she did have a yellow raincoat! so that made me happy. i loved it <3
): it's a kids movie, i know. i'm lame.

i went with this guy. he takes pictures of raves. he has a nice jaw. and perfect teeth.
he smiles every two seconds and he tried to hold my hand.
but i wouldn't let him. so he just ignored me for the rest of the movie.
i think maybe next time i see a movie i will go alone.

i love movie popcorn.
it's amazing.
i pretty much ate a whole large popcorn by myself ): which is bad because now i feel all fat and stuff.
ughh.
i want to talk to onyx. and laureen.
onyx is gonna make a sketch of the idea we had for my new tattoo. a cherry blossom tree. on my side. but the roots end in a heart. i'm excited.

i didn't talk to skott today.
i wish i did.
because i really miss him. i read his blog and it made me sad. i like wonder bread too, if you were wondering <3>
sometimes i want to fix him. even though he isn't very broken.
i guess i want to fix a lot of people.
and i guess i just want someone to fix me.
i dunno. i wish there was another world i could go to. likle coraline. but mine wouldn't be evil.
mine would make me happy.
but maybe i should just learn how to be happy right here, right now. and stop wishing about a new life.
this is it. this is my life.

lake elsinore has too many scene boys. eh..i guess everywhere does now. i can't really complain because i wear skinny jeans and a chain on my wallet. but. idk. it seemed like everyone was at the movies with their friends. and i was just with rave boy. who probably hates me. and is probably reading this. (if you are, i'm sorry. i really would've liked to hold your hand but. i don't like you like that. besides. i am a mess. you'd be best to just stay away from me.) anyway. everyone hangs out at the movie theatre. or in and out. or the circle k. or maybe the bowling alley now? they just built it. i think maybe i'll go with joey and tommy one of these days and give it a try. maybe then i could feel just a little bit more normal. maybe then i would actually want to get out of bed.

i got black out curtains recently.
i've been sleeping for fourteen hours at a time.
i don't leave my room. unless people like rave boy beg me.
i just want to hide forever.
charlie says it isn't healthy. i miss charlie.
i feel like i don't know her anymore. but maybe thats because we never talk. i really wish we did.
because she makes me smile and she knows just what to say when i complain about never being skinny enough. and i know just what to say when she tells me about how fucked up her school is. or, i hope i do.

i talked to laureen today too. her dad took away her phone though. we have one huge thing in common; our families are a bunch of freaks. but maybe everyone has that in common. maybe everyones family is messed up or broken in some ways. idk.

i miss ash. i know i made her mad but. i just miss her. we had just started talking again and now she doesn't want to talk to me. 'just shut the fuck up' she said. it made me cry. i dunno. i'm tired of losing people because i'm a fuck up. i'm tired of being a fuck up.

i'm exhausted. imma go sleep or something now. hopefully.
i need to do laundry.

oh and moe <3 iloveyousomuch.

i know you dream of saving me, like i'm some plane that you could land.

hii imma write about people nao cause i love them very much.

okay so the girls up there, i love very very very very very much.
the first oneeeeeeeee is onyx kitty.

and the second one is princess laureen.

and they are pretty damn kickass.

they make me feel better and they say my writing is good even when i hate it ):

i can tell them anything.

and hopefully they can tell me everything ;D

laureen marie rosa is my girlfranddd.

and onyx is my best kitty.

we're all very weird and secretly smart <3

i love onyx because she is going to sketch out my new tattoo for me. and she is going to be a great tattoo artist. i can tell.

and laureen is gonna be a great...therapist thing ): because she already knows how to deal with me and my panic attacks.

SO YEAH THEY ARE BOTH KINDA WHY I BREATHE c:

and skottie too ;D

except i couldn't find no pictures of his pretty face ):

he hid them from me because i tend to touch myself when i see him. fbdsbfj. shhhh.

SO. ANYWAY.

I LOVE YOU ONYX. VERY MUCH. I LOVE HOW WE CAN STAY UP UNTIL WAY LATE TALKING ABOUT DOCTOR WHO. AND HOT BOY SEX.

AND I LOVE YOU SKOTT <3>

AND I LOVE YOU LAUREEN. FOR BEING MY SOULLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. AND MY MUSE. AND MAKING ME WANNA BE A BETTER PERSON.

so yeah.

:x

that's it.

plus LOL IF YOU'RE MY FRIEND AND I DIDN'T MENTION YOU): DON'T BITCH. CAUSE IDC. I LOVE YOU BUT IF I WROTE ABOUT EVERYONE THIS WOULD'VE BEEN SOOOOOOOO LONG.

i need sleep ): its six am.

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay insanity.

vanilla rain <3

it's been the longest winter without you.
i didn't know where to turn to.
see, somehow i can't forget you.
after all that we've been through.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
another blog? really ryan? you need to stop with these and just keep your thoughts inside your head ):
i'm losing my mind even more.
my skin is crawling with spiders.
my mouth is filled with ice.
my eyes are glazed over.
i think i'm high.
fuck onyx for making me want to get high. stupid stoner D<
FUCK MY LIFE I CANNOT FUCKING BREATHE AND I REALLY NEED SOME GOD DAMN OXYGEN.
AND I WANT LAUREEN TO TEXT ME BACK BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS FALLS ASLEEP ON ME.
...my brain is melting.
sizzle sizzle sizzle.
do you hear that?
that is my brain cells frying.
boom boom boom.
did you hear that?
those are the monsters in my head.
RAWR.
they will get you.
it's eleven.
i'm going insane.
i am insane.
i met a beautiful boy with eyes like a storm.
but he didn't like me.
he told me i reminded him of another boy who broke his heart.
i met a girl with a pretty defined jaw.
who liked to paint her lips green and wear silly glasses.
and had another pretty boy break her heart.
AND I'M PRETTY SURE I JUST LOST TWO OF MY FRIENDS BECAUSE I'M A PRICK.
blah blah blah.
my arm is asleep.
i want pills.
paige wanted pills too.
but she meant allergy pills. and i need something stronger than that.
i miss ash.
fuuuuuuuuuuck. she hates me,
i hate me.
i'm disgusting.
i'm a mess.
i'm a fuck up.
i'm in love.
i'm.
i'm.
nfjsdkfnjsk.
me?
:/

idk bye.

Yeah, you still kiss me sometimes, but it's just on the cheek. you pull away so easily x)

Yeah we still rent movies, but we don't share the couch.
Yeah, we still watch movies sometimes, but you don't lay in my lap.
The plot is slow, take a nap.

to the boy i miss <3

i remember when we used to talk every day, for hours. i remember when i could tell you everything. and you could tell me everything. i remember how i could make you laugh. and i remember how you could make me smile.
it seems like nothing like that happens anymore.
we're both so sad when we talk to each other and it breaks my heart. you break my heart.
i don't know everything is different. maybe because of what i told you when you were high that night.
is that what messed everything up?
because i meant it. and i still do. i care about you.
i didn't think you would remember. and i'm sorry. i sometimes wish we could just go back. actually, i wish that a lot.
i just miss you.
i miss my best friend.
i miss the boy who could stay up with me until all hours, talking about panic at the disco or lions or something so random that we both ended up just laughing at how lame we were.
i miss you! god dammit. i really miss you.
please help me fix this?
because i don't think i can go to college and do all of this stupid grown up stuff you're so good at without you.
i need you.
i.need.you.
and i'm sorry i haven't been there for you. but i'm going to start.
i'm going to be your best friend again. i'm going to be your ryan.
i swear.
we just have to help fix each other c:

i love you so so so so so so so so so so so much.


fnjsk.
That is why I'm singing..
Baby don't worry cause now I got your back.
And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh.
And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad,
then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black.

maybe this time is different. i mean, i really think you like me.

Valentines day!
today is the day of red roses and icky expensive dark chocolate that no one eats. and i love it. honestly.
the concept is just so fucking adorable. a whole dayy? for loooooooooooove? cutecutecute!
i'm sending my girl a necklace and a letter. but only because she won't let me send her a bunch of things like i wanted to. 'simple is better' she says, 'just a necklace.'
why must delaware be so very far away?~
maybe if i see a shooting star, i'll wish that cali and delaware could be closer together. so i could actually see her pretty brown eyes light up when she saw me.
oh well, maybe it'll happen soon.
ANYWAY. V DAY V DAY V DAY. seriouslyyyyyyyyyyy. i'm supposed to go to a funeral today (aunts husband) but i think imma skip it. i mean, i didn't even really know him. plus my whole family will probably just bitch at how badly they want to drink. my family is a bunch of addicts! moving on though c:
i love everything about today. the teddy bears, the silly cards, the wayy too expensive jewelry. it makes me smile. i hope it makes you smile, too. i hope you're not all cynical and mean and all 'i hate valentines day'!
because really, why hate it when you can enjoy it? i dunno.
i'm probably not making sense.
i'm eating blueberries. (i hate blueberries) and watching third watch.
i haven't slept properly in days. and it's almost three am!
ry is losing his mind.
but god, insanity does sound fun. like alice in wonderland going down the rabbit hole.
lalala.
come join me?

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU.
yes you know who you are.

but i love you the most.

you could be happy, and i won't know.

but you weren't happy the day i watched you go <3
and all of the things that i wish i had not said.
are played in loops, until it's madness in my head.
is it too late to remind you how we were?
and not our last days of silence,
screaming,
blur.
( most of what i remember makes me sure, i should've stopped you from walking out the door.)

i think i'm getting too addicted to this blogging thing. but whatever.
so if i could explain this month so far in one word it would be;
reconnection.
i dunno.
i've reconnected with a lot of the friends i thought had forgotten about me.
i guess in some ways this is a good thing. because i had been sitting next to my phone, wishing they would call. i had been going to the old places we used to hang out and wishing they were with me. my heart had been aching for them.
but yet now i realize why i had to let them go.
i realize why i can't talk to them anymore.
it's very bittersweet and i don't know what i should do? :/
i guess i never really know what to do xD i'm very confused a lot of the time.
but tonight has been really bad.
the person i'm dating is starting to break down a bit more. and i'm trying to save her more. but i can't.
and the boy i used to love has now decided to try and break me down.
and i talked to a girl i haven't talked to in months.
and i ended a relationship with a girl i've known for years.
and everything is crashing down on me and i'm.
exhausted.
purely exhausted.
i guess maybe i'll just text emily some more and talk to ash.
and lucas. even though he's doing a report :/
i always feel like i'm bothering everyone.
and my fears are probably justified.
i probably AM bothering everyone.

eh whatever.
imma go make chocolate milk and watch old episodes of supernatural.
night~

oh i've made love. yeah, i've been fucked. so what?

okay so i'm in a ranting mood? ):

I DO NOT WANT TO DATE YOU.
yes, we were in love. yes, i thought you were my soul mate but it isn't going to work out. it /didn't/ work out. you need to move on and be my friend or just leave me alone.
i have too much to deal with right now. and i know you do too.
but you left me. YOU.LEFT.ME.
YOU DECIDED IT WOULD BE FUN TO TAKE A BREAK, DIDN'T YOU?
and then i met her. and i fell in love. and i started to date her. and i love her.
i love love love love her.
so stop calling her a bitch. stop being so dramatic. i love you. i care about you.
but i will never be with you. not ever again.
you broke me down too badly.
and she came and fixed what you ruined.
i'm not going to say sorry for the ways i decided to fix myself. i'm not going to let you put her down.
i'm not going to let you ruin me anymore.
yes, i hurt you. yes, you hurt me. yes, it's one big fucking explosion of pain. I KNOW.
but you need to move on. it's been years. honestly.
you need to stop trying to make something out of nothing. i don't want to fight with you anymore.
i want to talk to you, i do.
because i still like you.
but i'm not going to keep trying to stay in contact with you when you keep bringing up the past.
it's over.
it's done.
you can't fucking change it.
move on.




dnsjkfs.
ugh.
i need water ): plus i'm freezing. fuckmylife.

i remember you and me used to spend the whole god damn day in bed.

;dfkjngjk;
college? seriously? seriously? me? i'm only going to do this once. but.
I'M GOING TO USC!
yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes.
ry is smart enough to go to fucking USC! and guess what imma major in? journalism and creative writing.
serioooooooooooooooooooooooously.
xD anyway. in other news.

i have crazy roommates! for real. like. imma write a book just about them. theres two.
tommy; is insane. and tried to chase me around and kill me with a pool cue once. but i love him.
joey; is so innocent and adorable. and he likes to sleep at the foot of my bed, like a puppy. <3

anyway so last night joey and i were telling 'scary' stories. and we are both so paranoid. so we went and laid down in tommy's bed. ( note; we're all way comfortable around each other because we've known each other for years? c: ) anyway so we're laying there. and then the tv made this weeeeeeeeeeird noise.
and joey was way afraid. and tommy goes to try and fix it. and joey, who always thinks he's going to puke xD (he likes attention) always has a like metal pot on the floor in case he does (he never does) so he puts that on his head. and then tommy goes.
"ndsjfk YOU SPIT IN THAT. DON'T DO THAT." and joeybear goes
"I DID NOT, THE ALIENS ARE COMING. AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE TINFOIL IS." (he figures that aliens can't get you if you have tinfoil over your head like in the movie 'signs'.)
and i'm sitting on the bed, laughing so hard i can't even breathe.
i just love them. honestly.
i don't know what i'm going to do without them when i move.
die from being so bored?
probably.


oh and btw; this is for emmy because i said i would mention her yesterday but didn't. so. HI EMMY! c:

stars, skies, planets, and love~

Thank you, Ash. For everything.

My soul would love to be next to yours for a while <3

don't be so amazing, or i'll miss you too much.

I fell in love with your heart at first,
The way it beat against your ribcage so musically,
Like it was playing the piano instead of pumping blood.
Your flesh was pale and your dark blue veins were painted across your wrist.
Like little waves,
Diving in between the scars and pale skin.

Next were your eyes.
The way they would show your soul in the right kind of light.
The way they reminded me of home.
They were the color of the ocean on a stormy day.
You were so deadly,
Yet so fragile.


Your hair smelled like vanilla.
Like when you have a vanilla ice cream cone,
And it is a million and five degrees outside,
And it falls onto the sidewalk and melts.
You reminded me of summer days and when life used to be simple.

I fell even more in love with you when you got hit by that car,
Because I was the kind of person who wanted something they couldn’t have.
Now when I think of your heart and eyes and perfect bones,
I see them against the cement in one big puddle of crimson.
[Your death is the reason I love you the most.]




your shirt encases my pillow. your voice stays on my answering machine. your paintings hang on my walls.
my heart still belongs to you.

icannotstopdreamingabouthim.

her eyes are burning into my soul.

asdfgh.
okay so, second try? i dunno.
so this girl texts me. she is the kind of person that i wish i could be. i just want to be as close to her as possible. except, i can't. it's complex. it's this web of so many things and to break it down simply, i can't be with her.
she always asks how i am. and she always has sad brown eyes. well, she did until she covered them up with purple contacts. i don't know. i liked her old eyes better. anyway. she is pretty. the kind of pretty that makes boys act stupid and other girls jealous.
and she is mine.
or so that is what she says. and that is what i think. sometimes.
it's. just.
have you ever been in love?
to the point where your whole body craves that person?
to where it would shatter your whole entire being,
if they left you?
she is my addiction.
she is worse than heroin, i swear to god.
anyway.
this girl is breaking. badly. like. mental breakdown.
and i'm trying my hardest to fix her. i'm doing everything i can but it isn't enough.
it scares me. she scares me.
sometimes i think i'm going to wake up and have a voicemail from her, saying she is going to try to fly off her roof like peter pan.
ugh. i don't know what to do anymore.
i have so much going on. with getting ready for college and all my friends and my ex boyfriend and.
i don't know.
i'm going to push everything aside for her.
because shes worth it.
anyway.
i need sleep. night.

ryan, ryan, and ohmy! more ryan.

i'm finally writing a blog!
now, don't be expecting me to make a myspace or facebook or whatnot. those places still scare me ): but i figured since i like talking about my day so much, i could just do this instead of boring my friends. it's not like anyone is going to actually read this, right? xD
i've decided i'm currently obsessed with the song 'lime tree' by bright eyes. it makes me breathe slowly, and it makes me think about the world. it's the kind of song that makes you wonder about the people you've forgotten. it's the kind of song that makes your heart ache, but makes you wanna scream at the same time. or at least that is how it is for me.
i tend to think about things too much. like to me, the sky can't just be the sky. i have to look at it and examine the clouds. i have to think about the airplanes that are in the sky right at that moment, a million miles away. i do not know what this makes me. crazy, possibly.
but i'm the kind of person that finds beauty in fallen autumn leaves. i like discovering simple yet pretty things. they're what make me smile.
anyway. it's freezing~ and i have to put my blanket in the dryer. maybe i'll come back and make another one of these? i dunno.